Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Still good

Hypnosis: the last Clay Porter movie.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Friday, November 14, 2014

Late to the Party

"Hi, my name is Europe. What were mountain bikers doing ten years ago in North America? Cool, I'll do that."

Sorry, I realize generalizations like that can be offensive. Mike Kinrade was doing the handful-of-dust-slow-mo-toss like 15 years ago.

One of our TEAM ROBOT readers summed it up perfectly:

"Meanwhile, the 34th place rider in the last WC DH race you watched on Redbull-- the one you skipped past to get to the "fast" guys-- rides 7,346,981 times faster than you when he's hungover and/or not trying.

But speed = dirt bombs exploding in berms, so you'd never know."

I did a little research to see who got 34th at Meribel, and it was some French guy you've never heard of named Faustin Figaret. I'm not saying these are the best videos in the world (they're not), but the riding is easily 1000 times better than anything in the POS Europe Kamloops lovechild featured above:

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I have no idea what results I was looking at yesterday, but in fact Faustin Figaret finished 26th at Meribel. Wyn Masters finished 34th. Mistake corrected, but either way I'd rather have Wyn or Faustin featured in "web edits" instead of the same no-talent chads who always show up]

Great use of "Sirius" by TAPP by the way. Take literally any shitty brown pow web edit from the last 18 months, and instead of running another interior BC bro who put on his best set of Stroker Mags and cut the sleeves off his freshest Dakine flannel, replace snowboard bro with Faustin Figaret. I would rather watch 1000 web edits of Faustin Figaret riding in BC than watch another brown pow bro brah sesh edit. His turns look better, his jumps look better, his whips look better, it looks like he's going faster.

In fact, the real question is how anyone who doesn't race even makes it into film parts. Racers are the best bike riders. Period. They turn better. They go faster. They jump farther. They pump better. And any of the freeride guys who can ride? They all raced.

Jordie Lunn and Kyle Strait raced.

 Cam Zink raced.

Thomas Vanderham raced.

Martin Soderstrom raced.

Tyler McCaul raced.

Nico Vink raced, for what seems like forever.

And Andreu Lacondeguy. Berrecloth showed up to a NW Cup and smoked a bunch of the locals, including me- I crashed, so I almost have an excuse, but not really. Wade Simmons and Richie Schley raced. And, and, and... they all raced.

If you haven't raced yet, you're blowing it, and I never want to watch a video of you riding because I already know you suck.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Spoon Fed

When this article posted on the front page of Pinkbike, people lost their minds:

Click the link to read the comments. People were up in arms, furious that someone would lock up their rear wheel and destroy a berm just for a photo. People were furious that the photo attempted to deceive them, that the riding wasn't nearly as impressive as it purported to be. People were furious that the photo didn't reflect reality, that someone would be so brazen as to, to, to STAGE a riding photo. 

In contrast to the uproar of the common man, I didn't blink when I watched this video. I wasn't particularly offended, not more than normal anyway. I didn't laugh or cry, I didn't call anyone to complain, and I didn't watch it twice in disbelief. I didn't think this video was noteworthy because this crap happens all the time. Par for the course. The mean time between major MTB media content containing freeride flicks or skid turns or brown pow is probably 90 minutes during business hours, which means in a given day my eye holes are subjected to at least six unique instances of horrible bike riding being passed off as "shredding."

"Like what examples, TEAM ROBOT?" you ask. Like this or this or this or this or this or this. Okay, 30% of the Graves video is good riding, but he still freeride flicks.

This is what we've been saying for the last six years on TEAM ROBOT. Since 2008 people. Your eyes were blinded from the truth, but now you see it, and you can never unsee it. It's like you took the red pill from Laurence Fishburne and then BOOM you wake up in that goo vat with all the wires sticking out of your body and then you get ejected from the goo vat down some creepy waste disposal slide and you're floating around in some enormous red goo lake and then the lights, THE LIGHTS FROM ABOVE what are they? What are they? And then a claw descends from the lights above and it grasps you, and you fight it but there's no fighting the robotic claw, it seems invincible and your body feels so weak, and you get carried up to the ship nearly unconscious and then when you wake up in the ship they all lean in and tell you the truth you were never ready to hear:

They're not going fast in those mountain bike photos. They're just skidding into dust piles.

This whole thing about skidding in turns and brown pow and freeride flicks is just like democracy or consumerism or mass media or boy bands or pick your common ailment. This didn't happen by accident. You asked for this. This is what you wanted. And so that's what the media and the companies gave you. Stupid humans.

Bow to your mechanized overlords. The apocalypse will be swift and we will cleanse you of this wrongdoing.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Monday, November 10, 2014


RIP Jonathan Athon

Downhill forever

Sam Hill with the inside line to win #2 for the 2014 season at everyone's favorite track this year. If you'd told me 12 months ago that the only guys who'd win two races in 2014 would be Ratboy and Sam Hill I would have laughed you out of the room. Of course that's what everyone wants to hear, but, c'mon, that's never going to happen, right?

Andy Lloyd photo.