Saturday, April 25, 2015

Bob Stenson

"Your bike sounds like a shopping cart." Bob on point at 1:48 in the video.

Today's topic:

I'm as shocked as you are. Discuss.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

First comment guy

Sometimes I hope that every Final Destination death will be visited upon "First comment guy" simultaneously in an agonizing symphony of pain and suffering, but then I realize that if there is some greater evil at play here, like the hand of fate in the Final Destination movies, first comment guy is probably part of Lord Evil's evil plan. And if that's the case, then Lord Evil is probably keeping first comment guy alive for his special evil purposes. Maybe first comment guy isn't just protected by evil, he's also powered by it, like in old timey zombie movies when you cut a zombie to pieces and its hand still crawls after you trying to kill you. Like even if I could find first comment guy and kill him by my hand, his hand would still claw its way out of the grave and find its way to a computer and still type "first comment" on all my posts.

But then I think that first comment guy is like the crummy older brother of Lord Evil, who everyone knew was never as talented as Lord Evil, but even in Evil Land they're all too nice to say anything so they keep pretending like first comment guy isn't a disappointment and they give him little semi-evil tasks to do, like posting first comment on TEAM ROBOT. And Lord Evil doesn't so much protect him for a special evil purpose as he sort of begrudgingly acquiesces eternal evil powers to first comment guy, and they all agree to play this little game of pretend where they don't acknowledge that typing "first" on all my TEAM ROBOT posts isn't the moral equivalent of planning some sweeping sinister earth-shattering evil plan.

Basically first comment guy is the Dan Atherton to Lord Evil's Gee.

TEAM ROBOT lost their edge, Post #3

Yo man, what's up with Greg Minnaar's accent, man? You know like are you British, or are you from New Zealand? I can't tell man, where you from, you know? It's like crazy, man.

TEAM ROBOT lost their edge, post #2

What's up with Intense frames? Why so many welds? Most frames don't have so many welds, and I've seen a lot of frames.

Got the new bike dialed in for the NW Cup

Haha just kidding.

This has been "TEAM ROBOT has officially lost its edge, post #1." Look forward to more soon.

Gone Girl/Made Man

Sorry I've been gone for so long from the site. I've been doing fun things and riding my bike for the last week, so I haven't had the same hate-filled ramblings to pour out on you as usual. For the last week I've been genuinely happy and really thankful for my opportunities. Feeling blessed. This is also a great opportunity to thank my sponsors for supporting me and helping me to experience Sea Otter.


No just kidding, Sea Otter was horrible, it was an industry dog and pony show that was somehow worse than usual, and I've been so busy wading through the seemingly endless sea of otter shit that I haven't had time for my true calling: complaining on the internet.

Unfortunately I'm still wading through the sea of otter shit, filing expense reports, sending follow up "great to see you" emails, and doing the last round of Sea Otter race report/begging for more #freeshitbro sponsor emails.

I don't have time to post anything new or original for the site, so humor me as I cash in on the IP of other people who did contribute original thoughts during the last week while I've been gone. At the Huffington Post they don't call this "stealing other people's material," they call it "content aggregating."

Best comments of the last week:

"I think you've forgotten one important reason for freeride flicking: it signifies ownership of a dank loam stash. How else is everyone going to know that you have made/found a trail with tons of dead leaves and shit on it if you don't spray it all over for the camera?"

"He doesn't claim to be fast nor does he challenge any racers to join the next hucking contest.

So probably not good at racing but pretty decent at hucking while little Sponsel sucks at both."

True story.

"Gwin just peaked for the season."

"Did you and nsmb discover what 'click bait' is at the exact same time?"


"To watch the BUILDER premiere, bro.

My bro told me the way those dudes mined nugz in that movie is like... next level. Could you imagine just you, your bros, a 6 pack, a truck, and a trail dog named "schralp" out defining your own space in some epic zone? Cuz like, trails to me are like an artistic expression. You get to leave your stamp on nature with a shovel and then all that's left is surfing the epic brown pow in the golden hour. 

#partywave #blessed 

I have $20 that says the movie will be at least 78% b-roll and slow-mo."

As for Adam's predictions on b-roll and slow-mo: yes and yes. The universe owes you $20.

"Because , even though you don't know it, you have become exactly what you made fun of years ago...... you charlie, are a corporate bitch. Swallow the gravy charlie, swallow the gravy."
-The Truth

It's funny cause it's true.

"To wear your new FSA windbreaker."
-Lazy Hemp

A lot of people are excited about me calling out and then beating Lopes at Downhill Domination. Well, beating is generous, destroying is more accurate. I was done about five minutes before he was, and I was so bored I helped coach him the rest of the way down Mount Middule. I all but T-Bag tantalized him.

But only Lazy Hemp picked up on the biggest victory here: my FSA windbreaker. That little detail will evade most people outside the industry, but people in the know will understand the massive and unspoken significance of that single article of clothing. A windbreaker means you've arrived as a genuine, bona fide corporate shill. They don't just give windbreakers away, you have to earn that stuff. T-shirts and hats are easy come, easy go. Socks are a dime a dozen.

Above those three staples of #freeshitbro apparel- t-shirts, hats, and socks- and you're getting into sponsor-suck-up Jedi Knight territory. Anyone who's tried to get a sweatshirt out of a company knows how hard it really is out there. A windbreaker? That sort of clothing freebie takes years and years of patient selling out. I've been on Gravity for years now, getting paid to ride no less, before I ever saw a windbreaker. It's only once you commit your riding, free time, integrity, and dignity for the next decade that you get something as big time as a windbreaker. A company isn't going to commit that level of apparel to a rider unless they own that rider for life. And by the way, it's not just a windbreaker, it's waterproof and breathable. That's like a unicorn, you don't see that sort of quality everyday in freebie swag. It's borderline mythical.

You know the scene in Goodfellas where Tommy's gonna be a made man, where the mob is bringing him in officially and he's gonna be one of the Goodfellas, but then when he goes into the meeting the guy comes from behind the door and blows his brains out and you know they're going to bury him in a building foundation somewhere in East Jersey, but instead of showing his corpse getting thrown into a car or concrete pour, Scorcese closes the shot with just the pool of blood silently pouring out from his popped watermelon of a skull?

It's like that, except instead of getting tricked and shot in the brain, I got what I exactly what I asked for: a windbreaker and business cards. And instead of dying I entered an eternal purgatory of talking to consumers and media people in the hot sun while skipping lunch and pretending to enjoy the conversation. And instead of blood pouring out of Tommy's skull, it's any hope I had of getting a fun ride in sometime in the next few days slowly and silently draining from my soul during Sea Otter.

Why else do you think I was wearing a windbreaker on an 80 degree day in California? I was that stoked. I'm bona fide industry now. I'm a made man. It's awesome.

And with that said, you should totally check out my recent @ridegravity van check on VitalMTB. #blessed

My Gravity logo placement makes Lopes look like an amateur. Approaching Nascar level. Need to get a photo incentive in my contract, because that one photo alone could keep gas in the Waambulance for a month.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Won the battle, the war continues

Freedom may have won the race for Gwin, but Bruni still has the points lead after being guarded safely down home soil by the power of the dark lord of baguettes and berets during quali's.

Good vs. Evil.